TIMES ADVICE COLUMNIST:
STANFORD HARVARD LOOP,
M.D., PhD., I.V., SUV
pain-in-the-neck husband snores very loudly at night,
which makes it impossible for me to get a decent night's
sleep. We fight constantly and he insists he doesn't
snore. Finally, I decided to take matters into my
own hands to shut him up.
he's alseep, I tried putting a clothes pin on his
nose. I stuffed cotton balls in his mouth. I even
covered his face with a feather pillow. Once I dragged
him to the closet and locked the door. But the snoring
is so loud, none of this seems to help. I'm at wit's
end. Either he stops the noise or I stop putting up
with him. Any suggestions?
you described is a rare psychological condition called
Munchausen's Insomnia By Proxy. But it is you that
is suffering from the disease, not your husband. You
have third stage insomnia but are unwilling to accept
that it's your own problem, so you have transferred
the medical blame to your husband.
breathes when they sleep, which causes a slight whistling
noise or reverberation through the sinital-nasal-schnozoid
orafice, known to laymen as the nose.
also suffer from aural hypersensitivity, or reduced
ear-wax syndrome. In other words, you're hearing things
you shouldn't. I suggest a set of earplugs, covered
by ear muffs. Then cover your head with a big stocking
cap, pulled down tight over your ears. This should
do the trick.
things have been happening to me lately. For several
days I was waking up in the morning and my nose would
be bruised or my mouth would be dry. One day I woke
up and found feathers in my mouth. Another time I
woke up and found myself locked in the closet!
just when I thought things couldn't get any worse,
I woke up and found a burglar in my bedroom with a
ski mask over his head. I knocked the guy out, wrapped
him in a blanket and dragged his body out back into
the alley. Then I went back inside and locked my door.
then, I've been sleeping better, though I haven't
seen my wife in days. Any thoughts?
Sleeping Better Now
couple ideas have occurred to me, but sometimes it's
best to simply leave well enough alone.
I work for a local goodwill charity and during my
rounds last week I picked up a bundle I found in an
alley. When I got it back to the store and unwrapped
it, I found a woman. She had a bump on her head and
can't remember her name or anything about her life.
seems very appreciative of me. She goes on and on
about what a quiet sleeper I am. I would like to marry
her. Am I obligated to find out who she is and where
she came from?
Found Love In An Alley
it's best to simply leave well enough alone. Go ahead
and marry her and don't ask questions.
* * * * * * *
Loop, Wacky Times' highly regarded medical advisor,
has recently been named Director of the PGPER, Physicians
For Greater Profitabilty & Earlier Retirement. He
recently gave a presentation to a convention of
the AENTCS, the Association of Ear, Nose, Throat
& Checkbook Specialists, where he discussed his
book on addressing patients' medical needs: Their
Problems--My Retirement. He's also the author
of the best-selling physicians manual, Either
You're Not Sick Enough Or I'm Not Charging Enough.