A
new community rehabilitation center opens this
week to help teens fight the latest addiction
that's overtaking an entire generation of young
people.
"They're
hooked on phonics," explains Tom Cavanaugh, director
of the new facility. "Kids start out experimenting
with simple, one-syllable sounds when they're
young. It's just a matter of time before they
move up to harder core phrases. By the time they
get here, some of them are in pretty bad shape,
speaking in iambic pentameter, some even talking
in rhymes. It's sad to see. They all want to be
drama majors."
The
facility employs a number of methods to combat
the affliction. "Ours is basically a ten-step
program," says Cavanaugh, "but we supplement it
with various forms of group therapy, psychotherapy
and hypnotherapy."
"I'm
Billy Moon," announces one patient at a group
therapy session, "and I'm a phonic-olic." Billy,
age eighteen, proceeds to explain how, at age
6, his mom bought a phonics program at a neighborhood
garage sale.
"This
stuff is being sold right under your noses. Your
next door neighbor may be a phonics user and you
won't even know it--till you try to get him to
say a few words that don't rhyme." "We find that
many of our patients' phonics problems can be
traced back to their mothers and fathers. After
all, the first words we hear are spoken by our
parents. It's not easy to overcome issues that
are so deeply imbedded.Doctor Seuss is the worst
offender. That Green Eggs and Ham I am stuff is
a killer."
Once
patients have proven they are clean, and begin
to use regular phrasing again, they are allowed
to leave the facility. But the struggle isn't
over then.
"Phonics
are all around us," says the director. "You turn
on any radio and you hear song lyrics that rhyme.
You have to be pretty strong when you leave here
or it's pretty easy to slip back into using inappropriate
phrases."
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