Environmental
activists accidentally spilled hundreds of
gallons of nuclear waste onto the pant legs
of congressional leaders earlier this week.
During a meeting in which activist groups
were demonstrating the harmful consequences
of nuclear waste, they accidentally tipped
over six barrels of waste fluid, soaking fifty-six
senators and representatives with the highly
radioactive material.
Before
the congressmen realized the liquid was radioactive,
several members were seen rolling up their
sleeves and splashing the material onto themselves
and jumping before the TV cameras for the
photo opportunity. One aide explained their
actions: "Some of these guys don't get
much network coverage and they didn't want
to miss this chance to impress the voters
back home."
Not one piece of legislation was slowed by
the accident. It turns out that no lawmaking
activity was scheduled for the next eighteen
weeks while opposing political factions planned
filibusters on matters of health care reform,
gun control, tax reform and term limits.
"There was enough toxic waste there to destroy
half the planet," says one congressional publicist.
"But it had no effect whatsoever on the productivity
of our Congress. That says a lot about the
strength and durability of our nation's leadership."
While
no lawmaking was hindered, apparently millions
of dollars were lost from missed campaign
fundraising appointments. According to members'
schedules, six hundred seventy-nine meetings
with lobbyists and political action committees
had to be canceled this week alone. Reportedly
members Diane Feinstein and Tom DeLay lost
contributions expected to exceed fifty million
dollars.
"The mood around the beltway is somber," says
one aide who asked to remain nameless. "But
it was exciting for a little while. I haven't
seen legislators glow like that since they
voted their last raise."
We would like to retract everything we say in the Wacky Times.
To
complain, write your congressmen (as if they would care).
No part may be reproduced without the permission of the publisher,
who isn't likely to grant that permission without some pretty
big incentive. To secure permission send a suitcase of cash
to the publisher. The publisher assumes no responsibility
for unsolicited material.
