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U.S. and Canada To Merge: 59 Million Layoffs Expected

February 3, 2015

 

US and Canadian leaders announced today that their two countries are merging in order to reduce operating costs and increase production efficiencies. "We're simply following the trend created by corporations who find this a quick way to increase market share and reduce expenses," explains the government's new architect, 23-year-old MBA and investment banker, Billy Smurtz . "We've created the first multi-national country."

 

The new country, which will be named Canadusa, is expected to reduce both governments' operating costs by thirty percent, with 59 million Canadusians expected to be laid off. There is talk of travel becoming cheaper within the new country, too. Toll prices will be cut out between old Canada and old USA. Even airfare within the new country will have cheap flights available to Canadusians.

 

"Yes, there will be some disruptions," explains Smurtz, "but they're nothing we can't overcome. We've got to crank out some new flags, constitutions, money, and stuff like that. But the long-term cost savings far outweigh the disadvantages. We'll save three billion a year just by closing down all those border crossings, not to mention shutting down that whole Washington DC thing. Who can argue with that?"

 

"There are already so many similarities," he adds. "They've got baseball, we've got baseball. They've got hockey, we've got hockey. They drive on the right side of the road, so do we. If we hadn't told you about it, you wouldn't even know we did it."

 

And the plan doesn't stop there. "We'd like to get Mexico into the operation as soon as possible," he says. "But that whole language, heritage thing they have down there is causing problems with the takeover."

 

Citizens in both countries are divided about the plan. One Canadian explains: "They've got that great military superpower thing going for them down there, eh? We've got to love becoming part of that." One American surfer remarked, "Yeah, I guess it's okay. But it's cold up there, isn't it? Couldn't we find a warmer country with better beaches, like Australia? Now that would be cool."

 

Some US critics of the plan argue that there are more important issues at stake than just saving money. Like patriotism. But Smurtz argues that they're just being sentimental. "You watch. They'll get over it the first day they see a cut in their taxes. Besides, they're gonna get their own province."

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