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March 1, 2017

 

 

FINANCIAL

 

 

YEAR 2021 - DODD-FRANK RECONSIDERED

 

Ever since the unwinding of banking regulations began in four years earlier, financial experts are beginning to wonder if they may have gone too far.

 

The only remaining bank, Chase/Fargo/Bank Of America, represents a merger of all other of the nation's banks. One expert comments, "Now that the bank manages all funds and transactions of the entire nation, perhaps it has gotten too big to fail."

 

 

YEAR 2026- DOW HITS 150,000! 


While stock analysts have a harder time finding undervalued stocks at this level, most traders are confident that the market will continue to move higher.

 

"Inflation is well under control," says one economist, "and we expect the Federal Funds rate to stay below 40% as long as Congress keeps its promise to reduce the 100 trillion dollar deficit and balance the national budget within 3500 years."

 

"I still like McDonalds," said an analyst from Merril-Lynch, Witter & Schwab. "This hamburger chain's leading product, the Big Mac, is still a good buy at $89.95. Where else can you get lunch for under a two hundred bucks?"

 

 

MEDICAL

 

2020 - Antioxidants, long considered to be beneficial to good health, have been determined to be the primary cause of most of our nation's diseases.

 

Beta Carotene, Vitamin E and Vitamin C have been found to be some of the most deleterious elements in our diet.

 

"People have been taking these

 

supplements to battle free radicals in the blood stream," says one scientist. "But, as it turns out, free radicals were helping our bodies fight diseases all along."

 

New evidence shows benefits to eating primarily red meat and other high fat, low fiber foods, as well as numerous artificial additives.

 

ENTERTAINMENT

 

2020 - Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones today cancelled their three-week concert tour, entitled "Rickety Fingers", which had been scheduled to open tonight at the Quiet Palms Senior Citizens Community Hall, which is where all of the Stones reside.

 

"Keith's hearing aid is on the blink and then he plays too loudly," complained Jagger at a press conference held today. The opening act was to be Bob Dylan, who also lives in the complex.

 

"We're disappointed," said Jagger, "but there's a Murder She Wrote rerun playing tonight, so we expect to have a pretty good time anyway."

 

2030 - Ever since the campaign to remove violence from television began when it was considered to cause street violence, television has become almost exclusively a medium of situation comedies. 

 

Some critics say television has gone too far. They point to massive outbreaks of silliness in our nation's streets. In almost every neighborhood people can be seen performing pratfalls and one-liners.

 

 

 

2031 - Leaders at the movie box office this week were "Batman Returns Forever Again", "DeadestPool" and Tom Cruise's "Jack Reacher: Never, Ever, Ever Go Back."

 

Also expected to be the final 'prequel' in the Star War series: "The Phantom Embryo–Luke Skywalker, the gleam in his father's eye."

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