This begins a series of ongoing investigations by Wacky Times' newest journalist, Melvin Loop. In the months ahead we will no doubt put our considerable reputation at risk as we infiltrate, confront and otherwise mess with numerous powerful organizations. But it's worth it.
Maybe it's a right. Maybe a responsibility.
But most importantly, it employs my out-of-work brother-in-law, Melvin.
AN EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT:
A HARD LOOK AT HORSERACING
Few news sources have had the courage to take a hard look at the hiring practices of one of America's most popular, most established, most beloved sports. The New York Times won't do it. They're scared. Sixty Minutes won't either. They're chicken.
But I will. I'm talking about Horse racing. Yes, the Sport Of Kings. The Track. The Ponies. After weeks of undercover investigation by yours truly, I've found evidence of a most disturbing practice: those involved in the hiring of jockeys have, for years, discriminated against tall and overweight people.
Not only do racing officials dismiss our report, they continue to flaunt their discriminatory practices. Even as we watched, they continued to make the jockeys stand on scales to be weighed before each race!
When I confronted one racing official, there was a nervous flutter of his eyelids, and a quick huff in his breathing: "Heh heh," he said, "You've got to be kidding, right?"
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The Interstate Highway Numbering System. We believe there may be payoffs at work. Have you noticed that the western and southern states are stuck with all the low numbered highways?
Is the NFL discriminating against small people and female players?
A careful analysis of data on fullbacks, running backs, tackles reveals statistics that may shock you!