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New Study Reveals: Dolphins Aren't Really All That Smart

March 1, 2017

 

For years now we've heard how intelligent dolphins are. As smart as humans, some say. Even smarter, say others.

 

Well, one man says he thinks there's something fishy about that claim and set out to prove human mental superiority once and for all.

 

"No one's gonna tell me some porpoise has more brains than me," says psychology professor, Dr. Alvin Pippin. To prove his point, the professor designed a battery of exams which he administered simultaneously to students and dolphins.

 

"First, I tested the most easily quantifiable measure of intelligence–mathematics. Those stupid dolphins couldn't hold a candle to our students."

 

One skeptical viewer felt the use of electronic calculators gave the students a substantial advantage. "The dolphins' machines kept shorting out in the salt water."

 

 

The professor defended his technique: "I tried to keep the dolphins at their desks, but is it my fault they kept jumping back in the water? I won't take responsibility for poor study habits. The students outscored the dolphins in math–88 to 78. A whopping ten points! It wasn't even close."

 

The professor has scheduled two more tests to try to silence his critics: U.S. History and English Literature. "Let's see how they do with essay tests. I don't want anyone saying I wasn't fair."

 

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