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Toxic Spill In Congress

March 1, 2017

No effect on legislative activity


Environmental activists accidentally spilled hundreds of gallons of nuclear waste into the Capitol halls earlier this week. During a meeting in which activist groups were demonstrating the harmful consequences of nuclear waste, they accidentally tipped over six barrels of waste fluid, soaking the pant-legs of dozens of senators and representatives with the highly radioactive material.



Before the congressmen realized the liquid was radioactive, several members rolled up their sleeves and splashed the material onto themselves, seizing the photo opportunity. One aide explained their actions: "Some of these guys don't get network coverage and they didn't want to miss this chance to impress the voters back home."


Not one piece of legislation was slowed by the accident. It turns out that no lawmaking activity was scheduled for the next eighteen weeks while opposing political factions planned filibusters on matters of health care reform, tax reform and term limits.


"There was enough toxic waste there to destroy half the planet," says one publicist. "But it had no effect whatsoever on the productivity of our Congress. That says a lot about the strength and durability of our nation's leadership."


While no lawmaking was hindered, millions of dollars were lost due to missed campaign fundraising and lobbyist appointments. According to members' schedules, six hundred seventy-nine meetings with lobbyists and political action committees had to be canceled this week alone. Reportedly members Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and Chuck Shumer lost contributions expected to exceed fifty million dollars.


"The mood around the beltway is somber," says one aide who asked to remain nameless. "But it was exciting for a little while. I haven't seen legislators glow like that since they voted their last pay raise."


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