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The Evolution Of The Politician

March 2, 2017

 

For years scientists have been in the dark as to why politicians all seem to have similar behavioral characteristics.

 

 

Wacky Times Science Editor, Stanford Harvard Loop, MD, PhD, ADD, OCD, has discovered what he believes is the explanation.

 

" They're different from us," says the doctor. "They came down a different evolutionary branch. I'm not talking Democrat or Republican here. I mean all of them, the whole species, including those who inhabit the Oval Office, the Senate and House of Representatives."

 

Dr. Loop has identified what he believes is a prehistoric ancestor to today's politician–an early species he has named Homo Politicus.

 

" As a species, Homo Politicus has continued to evolve over the centuries," explains Loop. "While early Politicus might have taken obvious handouts from those currying his favor, few of the species knew how to trade their power for complex payback schemes, as can be seen in many of today's politicians." 

 

" There are still some hangers-on of the most primitive versions of the species. For example, early Politicus was known for his proclivity to tap his feet in around popular urination tree groupings, seeking sexual favors," Loop added. "The more evolved species will negotiate for substantial financial gain, and even go so far as to barter favors for his mate."

 

So what happens when the species is exposed and trapped? "The instinct of modern Homo Politicus is to rapidly assess his position and resist efforts to be displaced—then continue trying to use any advantage this gives him as leverage for leniency in punishment. It's pathetic to watch, really."

 

 

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