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Wacky Restaurants

October 6, 2016

Mom’s “Truly Homestyle” Restaurant

 

 A new restaurant in town, Mom’s Home Cooking Experience, strives to recreate the dining experience you remember from your childhood.

 

 

As soon as you step inside, a matronly, apron-clad hostess steps forward,

 

asks you to wipe your feet and says “Why are you so late for dinner? You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached!”

 

Then she seats you at a table—in the kitchen, where you speak loudly to be heard over the din of clanking utensils.

 

The menu: you get a choice of tonight’s selection—liver and onions—or leftovers from last night. In spite of a limited menu and unusual atmosphere, it is difficult to fault the food. It is, quite frankly, delicious. And there’s plenty of it.

 

Be ready to eat a lot, since you’re not allowed to leave the table till you’ve cleaned your plate, including the broccoli, which you get with every order whether you like it or not.

 

So, you’ve finished your hefty meal. You yawn, stretch a bit, and get up to leave, but before you can reach the door, you’re handed a dishrag. No one leaves till the dishes are done. You wash while the others in your party dry or put the dishes away.

 

The bill arrives. Your choices: MasterCard, Visa, or you can mow the lawn.

 

 

 

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N.Y.C. Restaurant Closes

 
A new dining establishment opened this week in Manhattan and, sadly, already has closed its doors.

 

“The food was delicious. The service was courteous and fast. We have no idea what we did wrong,” says the owner, an immigrant from Estonia who is new to our country and to the English language.

 

Although the eatery appears to have been undercapitalized, we think the name of the business may also be to blame.

 

“My wife’s name is Ella,” says the owner. “And we specialized in seafood.” “Salmonella” officially closed its doors last Wednesday.

 

 

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NEW, PRISON-THEMED RESTAURANT:
The Really Hard Rock Cafe

 

Cajun cafes mimic the Deep South. New York-style delis sport a Manhattan look. Planet Hollywood gives patrons a taste of tinsel town. But not until now has a restaurant so fully exploited one of the nation’s fastest growth industries—prisons.
 

The Really Hard Rock Cafe prides itself on giving customers the closest thing to prison life you can get without committing a felony.

“People love prison movies,” says owner, Mickey Shultz. “They loved ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘Cool Hand Luke.’ Now they can experience what prison meals are really like.”

 

Upon entering the eatery, you are offered a choice of dining atmospheres. Choose the commissary and you dine at long rows of tables where patrons clank their cups to show approval or disapproval of a particular course. Diners are shackled and handcuffed, then forced to wait in long lines. Servers dressed as inmate trustees slop gruel on your plate. Extra helpings are available. The price: three cigarettes.

 

Prefer a more intimate setting? Ask for your own cell. You and your friends are locked behind bars in a room with only a cot and a commode. Your dinner is served through a slot in the door.

 

If you reserve ahead, you can enjoy the ultimate in private dining—solitary confinement. You’ll be taken to “The Hole,” a five-by-five-by-five foot pit in the ground outside the restaurant. Nothing quite says prison life like being stuck in a dark, musty hole for three days with only bread and water. It will all be worth it when you experience the blinding joy on day three as they open the hatch to let you out, filthy and famished.

 

While the atmosphere is certainly authentic, the food is also impressive. The “slop” is actually a tasty puree of lima bean, navy bean and split pea, with a hint of rosemary. The Cornish game hen, called the “Birdman of Alcatraz,” is also quite good, as is their cocoon-like, paper-wrapped fowl dubbed “Papillion.”

 

Other specialties of the house include “Johnny Cash Hash,” “Leavenworth Lasagna,” “Chain-Gang Chow Mein,” “Penitentiary Pancakes” and “Great Escape Crepes” (which are filled with dirt from prisoners’ pant legs).

For dessert be sure to try their sinfully delicious cake, “Chocolate in the First Degree.” Sure, it tastes great. But you’ll also need the metal file hidden inside, with which you are expected to begin your escape.

Diners are allowed a few payment options: stolen credit card, counterfeit cash, forged check, or you can use your eating utensil to dig your way out.

 

A second, more upscale version of the eatery will open soon. Called the “Soft Rock Cafe,” it will duplicate the federal prison system, featuring better food, more luxurious facilities and top-class entertainment.

 

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