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March 1, 2017

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Networks Re-create TV Shows

March 7, 2016

 

Instead of watching reruns of TV shows from the Fifties and Sixties, imagine if networks decided to re-create the shows for our modern times.

 

Leave It To Da Beaver 2017


The Cleavers still live in the same home, though the neighborhood has changed around it. Next door is a crack house, with broken windows and graffiti. Two Meth labs were found just down the street.
The Cleavers can't afford to move out, though, because Ward lost his job during recent corporate down-sizing. He's currently a plaintiff in a civil suit claiming age discrimination. He's counting on a quick settlement in order to pay off a lawsuit he just lost to his son, the Beaver.


The Beaver filed his civil claim against his parents, claiming cruelty in being named after a wood-gnawing animal. He also filed for independence from his family, following in his older brother's footsteps.
Wally filed to be legally independent when June refused to buy him a new letterman's jacket in time for the big game. The legal move was the suggestion of Lumpy Rutherford's probation officer.


From June's point of view, she had no alternative but to refuse the purchase. She's been short of cash ever since the new Indian casino opened just outside of town.


June got a little carried away with the slot machines, trying to make up for Ward's shortfall. She considered joining Gamblers Anonymous, until she learned the local chapter was being run by Eddie Haskel. If Ward found out she was seeing Eddie again, even under such innocent circumstances, she knew there would be problems.

 

 

Mayberry 2017

 

Following the economic pattern of other communities, Mayberry is now a growing metropolis of approaching a two million population. Howard's accounting offices are gone. In their place are giant superstores, Home Depot and Costco, which have driven the quaint local shops out of business. Floyd's Barber shop has been replaced by SuperCuts. The local cafe is now a McDonalds franchise.


Andy's courthouse is not quite as you remember it. Otis, the town drunk, doesn't just visit there anymore to sleep off a bender. He's a full-time resident. His third felony DUI under the Three Strikes law has earned Otis a life sentence.


Deputy Barney Fife is there too, but he no longer fumbles around, insecure and anxious. Barney has found Prozac, and pursues his paperwork in calm, quiet confidence.


Aunt Bea isn't around anymore, though. She was cited for numerous health code violations and for selling her cakes and pies without proper licensing at the Women's Auxiliary Bake Sale. She's doing time at a half-way house in Mount Pilot.


With Aunt Bea gone, Andy is busier than ever, handling the responsibilities of a single parent and a full-time career. He doesn't have much time for fishing with little Opie, anymore. Though even if he had time, the fishing hole is tainted now anyway, ever since that meltdown incident at the Mayberry nuclear plant.


Ever since Goober took over the facility, there have been problems. But he couldn't very well stay in business at the gas station, what with all the MTBE leakage.

 

Still to come:

The Beverly Hillbillies
(Day-trading takes its toll on Jed's portfolio.)


Father Knows Best 
(Then why did the divorce proceeding go 
against him?)


My Three Sons
(Or so he thought, until the DNA tests came back.)

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