Wacky Science Presents:
Wacky Times science editor and part-time inventor, Stanford Harvard Loop, M.D., PhD, A.D.D., has created technology that he says is the answer to today's high gas prices-a car that runs entirely on French bottled water.
The development has not impressed a skeptical oil industry.
“Even if this car engine does run on water, where do you fill it up?” asks one Hexxon Oil spokesman. “It'll take years for them to create the gas station infrastructure. It takes years to build a modern service station, what with the convenience stores and ATM machines and car washes and stuff.
”Our government's Environmental Protection Agency is concerned as well. “We haven't had a chance to establish mileage standards,” says EPA chief, Wayan DerPockets. “And what about evaporation at the pump?” he asks. “We won't know the effect of all that extra water in the air for decades. We need five decades of analysis by our government engineers before we let one of these things on the road.”
Anticipating that Stanford Moon's aqua-combustion engine could be successful, President Bush already has a team of military analysts studying the invention's effect on the geo-political situation.
“If that thing runs on Perrier, I'm not saying we'll invade France or anything. But if those Frenchies won't provide the access our country requires, I won't take any option off the table. We don't want no H2OPEC cartel happening.
”While the inventor wouldn't divulge the precise specifications of his aqua-combustion engine, he did admit there are still some kinks to be worked out. “It's a little expensive to run. Bottled Perrier is running about $7 a gallon.”
WACKY TIMES BREAKING NEWS!
Fox News Buys CNN, NBC, CBS & ABC
Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch today announced he has finalized a deal to purchase four other major networks.
"It's my way of making sure the nation receives a more even-handed dose of our fair and balanced news," says Murdoch.
The media conglomerate will now own CNN as well as the three largest broadcast networks, NBC, CBS and ABC.
Fox host Bill O'Reilly lauded the media mogul's move, saying "No more self-serving blowhards on the news channels. It'll be all about objectivity, clear-headed focus on the issues, and how 'bout that website, BillOreilly.com, BillOreilly.com, BillOreilly.com."
CNN's Headline News Network was concerned whether the public will remain sufficiently informed about the world's most pressing events. "Who's gonna tell the public each night whose bed Paris Hilton is in?"
The media giant has plans for additional takeovers as well. "I'd like to have the Weather Channel. They spend so much time now telling people about bad weather like rain and snow. Isn't it time we heard about all the sunny days for a change? And that Discovery Channel looks interesting. All those monkey shows would give Katie Couric something to do."
Other takeover plans include purchase of the leading Middle East television network, Al Jazeera, the BBC in London, and the popular music channel, MTV. "It's about time kids today heard some good music. Maybe after a few weeks of Waylon they'll stop smoking pot."